In honor of Mother’s Day, we wanted to turn the spotlight on a dynamic mom who has a disability, Kyla Aquino Irving. Currently residing in Sacramento California, Kyla is a busy working mother to Imani, wife to Steve.
We sat down and got to know her and hope you will too.
Part 1: Quick quiz
- Coffee or tea? Both, Depends on the day
- Star Trek or Star Wars? TNG, baby!
- Favorite Family Show? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
- What’s at the top of your bucket list? Visiting Rio de Janeiro
- What would you bring to the potluck? Sushi bake
Part 2: Introductions: Introduce yourself. Talk a little bit about your family and your disability.
I’m Kyla Aquino Irving. My pronouns are she/her/hers. I live in the Sacramento region (Nisenan and Maidu tribal land). I am the External Affairs Director at Sierra Donor Services. My husband Steve and I have been married for 8 years, and we have a 4-year-old named Imani. I had a kidney disease as a teenager that led to 2 transplants; I am immunocompromised due to my meds. I also have ADD and identify as a ‘Spoonie’.
Part 3. Your parenting journey: Tell us about your journey to parenthood. Did you always know you wanted to be a parent? Did you experience any doubt or discouragement from family, friends, or medical professionals? Did you experience miscarriages or infertility? Did you adopt?
I’ve always wanted to be a mother. My husband and I knew that having children was part of our plan but wasn’t sure how it would come about. My mom, who gave me a kidney when I was 22, pretty much forbade me from trying to carry a child for fear that I would risk my life. My husband is the most risk-averse person I have ever met.
We pretty much wrote off having biological children when my medical team dissuaded me. However, in 2015, I was laid off and forced to switch health carriers to my husband’s – I was scared to go from a university hospital system to Kaiser Permanente. But Kaiser immediately recognized that I had stable labs and asked if I was interested in carrying a child. As it turned out, Kaiser had a partnership with UCSF and clinical expertise in transplant recipients carrying children.
We took 6 months to switch my medicines (I take meds that cause birth defects) and after 6 months of trying, I got pregnant.
I was excited, but very cautious. I didn’t share on social media much and didn’t tell people outside my sisters and best friend until the 2nd trimester. I didn’t even tell my mom (who I talk to daily) until the 2nd trimester – eventually she was delighted. She just needed to know that we had a team of doctors ensuring my health and safety.
Part 4. Parenting Challenges: What are some challenges that parents with your disability often experience? What disability-related challenges have you experienced (logistical, systemic, ableism, micro aggressions, etc.).
I identify with Spoonie parents who have to lean on our partners and relatives to help. Also, my child is beginning to understand that ‘Mommy needs more rest.’ I identify with immunocompromised parents who feel guilty that we keep our masks on and stay home more often than others may
I identify with parents with ADD who struggle with having iron-clad routines and messy homes. I can trust my Google calendar 100% more than my own memory.
Part 5. Parenting Solutions: How has finding support both within and outside the disability community helped you address these challenges?
Having support in the Disability community has made all the difference! I would never have even ‘deviated’ from my mom’s request to not have children biologically if not for Sarah Triano, who spoke at a panel at my Youth Leadership Forum (YLF) when I was in high school. She taught me that parenthood is something to fight and advocate for.
Knowing other mothers with disabilities and chronic illnesses paved the way for me. My little sister who has Lupus had a baby just 9 months before me and is the #1 person who leads the way for me.
How can we raise proud, strong disabled kids?
Having community is #1 – seeing others like yourself is so important in having a strong sense of pride and identity. Attending YLF in high school was a game changer – I uncovered internal ableism and gained a new family.
Having your kids understand that making requests is okay. We can’t live the lives we choose without accommodations.
What can we learn from our experiences, growing up with disabilities, to help enable us in our current mission (- of raising these proud, strong people)
Disabled people are the most resourceful people in the world. I have learned that claiming our disabilities and advocating for our needs makes our lives possible.
Part 6. Resources, tips and hacks: what resources, strategies, techniques, or tips do you have for parents with disabilities were seeking support and connection? How can allies and service providers assist with this? Any ‘a-ha’ moments in parenting to share – how to best support ourselves and each other? Share your wisdom!
Social media is a convenient place to find your ‘tribe’ – and more so during a pandemic! I found a support group for moms who have had transplants where we help one another advocate and make requests of doctors and employers.
Be kind to yourself. I think all parents can get bogged down in guilt – not doing enough / doing too much… it’s not easy to parent during and after a pandemic. We must give ourselves some credit!
Thank you, Kyla, for sharing a slice of your life with us. Happy, happy mother’s day to you and all the other moms out there!
